the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
