i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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