I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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