She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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