Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
