I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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