piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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