she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
