At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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