Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
