Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize