oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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