I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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