New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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