I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
