My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
