My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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