I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
