the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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