dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
