Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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