Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
