I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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