i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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