i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
