Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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