I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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