i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
