My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
