someone threw a dead crab at me
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
