Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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