It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
