she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Randomize
