cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
