i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
