You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
