he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
