I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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