I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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