a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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