Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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