dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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