I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
