So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
