I think im going to throw up on grandma
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize