ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
