totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
