flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
