my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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