remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
