My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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