Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize
