If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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