i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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