we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
