Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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