Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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