i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
