Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
