It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
