My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
