At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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