totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
