Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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