I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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