wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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