Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He better not be in your backpack
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You are the jesus of drinking
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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