No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
