Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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