Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
