My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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