He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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