A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize