Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize